My story is one that looks perfect from the outside but the truth was that it was far from perfect. I have both my parents, my siblings, and I live in a christian home, but our house has some major issues. All I can remember is constant fighting and arguing. There is always sarcasm and put downs. I tricked myself into believing that I was worthless, unloved, annoying, alone, and that there was something wrong with me. Don't get me wrong, my parents love me a lot, but most of the time it felt like there wasn’t any love in my house. It is really hard to be a kid when you feel like love is based on your successes. So I had to be perfect. I began obsessing over doing everything right, I believed that if I didn't do something correctly than I failed. This caused me to have really bad anxiety which eventually led to severe depression. My depression caused me to isolate myself from everything. I can remember laying in my bed for hours staring at my ceiling fan, or sitting in a chair and staring at my wall. My thoughts controlled me and I couldn't escape. I let everything build up inside, the only time I allowed myself to fall apart was in the middle of the night when no one was awake. Nights were the worst for me because I couldn't sleep and I was alone with my thoughts that haunted me. I always found myself trying to convince myself that life was all a dream, I went to bed whenever I could hoping that if I would happen to fall asleep, I would wake up and everything would be fine and back to normal. One day I got home and I was getting a pencil in our junk drawer and saw a box cutter. Thoughts were racing through my head as I picked it up and went into my room. I closed the door behind me and locked it, sat on the bed and rolled up my pant leg. I took the blade from the box cutter and ran it across my skin, I saw the blood bubbling up on my skin and immediately I felt relief, something I never felt before. In that moment I could focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional. When the blood dripped down it felt like my troubles were flowing with it. Even if it was just that one second it was worth it. After that I swore I would never do it again, but I broke that promise. About one month after, I did it again. It went from cutting once a month, to two times a month, to once a week, to three times a week. By the time I was twelve and a half I was cutting myself daily. I was never satisfied. They kept getting deeper and deeper. My depression was getting worse. I always distanced myself when people became close to me. I kept pushing people away when all I really wanted was someone to be there for me. I kept saying to myself that everyone leaves, they always do. I became so negative about everything, I thought that if you never were positive then you won't be disappointed. I completely gave up on God. I still had to go to church because of my parents. How could He even be real when this was happening? Thats what I asked myself until I just finally said whatever and gave up on life. I really needed help but I was so afraid of getting better, cutting was my best friend and I was scared of being happy, because whenever I tried before something always ended up hurting me. I tried to get better on my own, but I just couldn't seem to be successful. The longest time I went without cutting was three days, I tried and then I failed, tried and then failed it was an ongoing cycle. It was like a drug or alcohol addict, if I couldn't do it I would literally shake uncontrollably and I would slur my words. Thats when I looked back to God, which was the best decision of my life. I went to youth group that wednesday and heard a message that changed my life. It was a message about being on this earth for a reason and each person has a purpose. The bible verse that stuck with me was Jeremiah 29:1 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. God shed enough blood on my behalf. One of the hard parts of recovery was getting over the scars. They were a constant reminder of the past, my failures and my mistakes. I didn't want to look at them, which was hard because they were all over. But the worst of it all was I just could not believe that God loved me let alone forgave me for everything that I did. It took me a long time to realize that he will never leave me or forsake me and That if I am in Christ I am a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come. I am no longer a bad person, I am a child of God.
I am now free from all of the negative stuff in my life. I haven't picked up a blade in ___ days. I can’t say that I am completely fixed. It’s not like I don’t think of self harming or come really close to actually doing it because I do, I am a human being, we all stumble and make mistakes, but I have never felt better in my whole entire life. This is not the end of my story, I have a lot of life to live. I just want you guys to know God loves you, and He doesn't want you to hurt. The Bible says, "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body" (1st Corinthians 6:19-20). God loves you so much that He bought you back from the slave market of sin with the blood of His precious Son, Jesus Christ. Doing anything harmful to our body is wrong. And God can keep you from doing both. He also helps us by reminding us that He loves us, and we are His children forever. If you forget everything else I say, I hope you will remember this: God loves you. He knows all about your struggles and failures, but He still loves you and the proof is that He was willing to send His only Son into the world to die for you and rise from the dead for you. Your life will never be the same once you realize how much God loves you. Don't face the future alone, or try to meet it only in your own strength. Turn to Him every day and thank Him for His love and His constant presence with you. Not just teens, but all people, wonder "why am I here? what's the meaning of life? Is there a God? Does He care about me?” Let me tell you that Jesus Christ is the peace, joy, meaning, and purpose that you are looking for. Most of all, Jesus Christ is the Door to eternal life. You can know why you're here and where you're going when you leave this world starting right now by accepting the the Lord's call to follow Him. And then you will discover peace, joy, and fulfillment that you never thought possible.